Archeon: bored, bored, bored
"Archeon was just killed by somebody"
Archeon: hmm... I think my msg system is broken
"Screw you chuckles"
Archeon: umm...
"Yeah, you heard me you don't like it? Well fuck off and play star wars galaxies"
Archeon: maybe I should start taking my pills again
"I'd recommend it"
Director's commentary: oh my god what was I thinking, oh god... noooo! Oh Christ I don't want to live on
Archeon: sooo... you're my msging system?
"That's right"
Archeon: and you can speak...
"What do you think?"
Archeon: is there any way I can turn you off?
"Not unless you want to be turned into feta cheese"
Archeon: err....
"Let me spawn some more pills for you"
Director's commentary: Jesus, this is terrible. I mean what was I thinking, somebody kill me
Archeon: no problem, system pass me the bucket
Director: ahhhhh!!!!!
"You cast remigration from Valhalla"
"Your still casting remigration from Valhalla"
"Your still casting remigration from Valhalla"
".... Oh for gods sake, use a ghetto res!!"
Archeon: shut up you and tell me when I cast it!
"Too late a shaman under-cut you"
Archeon: ffs... Is that a Zerg?
"The self-righteous healer bastard was killed by 10fg of Albion's"
Archeon: I heard that!
"Bite me!"
"Gama was just killed by alpha"
Archeon: tra, lah, laa!
"Urmm... Hello, somebody was just killed"
Archeon: I've decided I'm not going to bother with ressing anymore
"Why, your a mend healer. That's all you do"
Archeon: yeah, but if I turn off the death msg's I won't know they die
"What emain mid death msg's are putting my kids through collage!!"
Archeon: you have a family?
"Don't ask"
"Have you ever wondered why I announce unimportant things"?
Archeon: you mean like casting msg's, death msg's, class/name msg's?
"Yeah... hay! Was that a shot?"
Archeon: well how can I put this bluntly... yes
"Archeon was just killed"
Archeon: I won't even ask how you did that...
"Archeon was just killed by Archeon"
"Is that possible"?
Archeon: I jumped off a bridge into cold water
"Umm... why?"
Archeon: I'm sick of not having any offensive abilities; I'm re-rolling as god
"But god is incapable of killing people, he's a good-guy"
Archeon: good point, oh well I'll re-roll as an Albion then. It's more or less the same thing
"You must wait 29mins 59secs to use that spell again"
Archeon: aww come on I'm mezzed here
"Sorry"
Archeon: plzzzzzz
"Sigh, oh alright"
"You cast purge"
Archeon: Wahoo!
"Archeon was killed by a minstrel"
Archeon: guess I should remember healer speed sucks in future
"Oh yeah"
"You cast purge"
"You cast purge"
"You cast purge"
"How are you doing that?"
Archeon: as long as it doesn't remove a status the timer doesn't reset
"Ahhh, so the point in doing it is?"
Archeon: noobs walk up to me and drool thinking it's a high level spell of some kind
"You're an evil, evil man"
Archeon: I try
"Sigh, I'm so bored nobodies died in ages"
Archeon: oh that'll be the new alliance; they're probably claiming a relic
"Really, wow sounds impressive"
Archeon: it is the realm has really pulling together
"The Midgard alliance relic raid force was just zerged by the Albion's"
Archeon: see
"You'd think this would discourage people from playing in Midgard"
"It's not easy being me you know, it's a 24/7 job"
Archeon: and we love you for it
"Bull-shit, most people disable half of my functions"
Archeon: well we don't really need 'a crystal bubble surrounds you' spammed every 6sec's
"Oh, but you need loot msg's?"
Archeon: of course
"But you're a healer, you never get any drops besides the healer only stuff"
Archeon: yeah, but I can feel bitter about what I didn't get
"Let me give you my physiatrists number"
"That does it!"
Archeon: what?
"I'm pissed off with alpha"
Archeon: umm... why?
"I Spam way too many death msg's with him on the end"
Archeon: well yeah, that's cause he has a buffbot and skills
"So why should I suffer because of it?"
Archeon: what about the people getting owned by him?
"Yeah, but they see it as a good point"
"ffs noob-boy was killed by alpha!!"
/send noob-boy w00t I was owned by alpha
"sigh"
Archeon: sigh
Archeon: that's odd, where's my msg box gone?
"I'm on a break"
Archeon: I thought your job was 24/7
"it was but we got a new union"
Archeon: really? Is it any good?
"yeah, I got a free t-shirt"
Archeon: but you're a disembodied voice
"Archeon was killed"
Archeon: weren't you on a break?
"that can be written off as overtime"
"I've got a date tonight, what colour should I go in?"
Archeon: why are you asking me?
"because my friends are doing important things"
Archeon: ... I see
"so which one the orange or the green"
Archeon: hmm... orange
"right, green it is"
Archeon: that's a terrible joke
"maybe, but it made me laugh"
Archeon: yes!!!
"what?"
Archeon: mythic have replied to my email regarding the bug in my msg system
"bug?... bug!! I didn't study at oxford for 3 years to be called a bug!!"
Archeon: you studied at oxford?
"yeah, advanced monotony, English literature and phys ed"
"so what did mythic have to say anyway?"
Archeon: they gave me the number of your physiatrist
"told you he was good"
"Archeon was killed by alpha"
Archeon: bugger
"Archeon was killed by beta"
Archeon: bugger
"Archeon was killed by delta"
Archeon: bugger
"Archeon was killed by... oh come on this is getting stupid"
Archeon: its not my fault, how was I supposed to know there would actually be people in bg3?
"you created a masterpiece"
Archeon: all right, I can cash in!!
"I doubt there's much demand for high quality bronze chain right now"
Archeon: you just won't stop till you drive me insane will you?
"I seriously doubt it"
Archeon: this must stop!!
"yeah"
Archeon: we will take this no longer
"fight the power"
Archeon: its time to take a stand
"damn right"
Archeon: if I catch anyone stealing my polo's again I'm going to hurt them
"ye... polos? You said this was a worthy cause!"
Archeon: you obviously haven't smelt my breath recently
Archeon: good morning world
"yawn, its 4am. Why the hell are you on now?"
Archeon: to get into emain and find a duel before the Albion's log on
"..."
Archeon: your kidding me?
"the remainder of the relic raid force has been running around for the past hour ganking duellists"
Archeon: but they have all the relics
"I hear they like to practice"
Archeon: why oh why did I choose a healer?
"because you wanted great crowd control abilities?"
"because you wanted moderate buff abilities?"
"because you wanted to help people?"
Archeon: ...
"because you didn't know what you were doing at the time and the idea of self heals seemed nice?"
Archeon: I won't say it
"where does your name come from anyway?"
Archeon: it's a typo
"seriously?"
Archeon: yup, the archon unit in starcraft
"wasn't that the seriously overpowered unit that could bring a Zerg to its knees?"
Archeon: yeah
"just as well it's a typo then"
Archeon: I took an advanced course in modern computing today
"oh, what did you learn"
Archeon: you can turn your computer off by holding the on button down
"I don't understand what's so advanced about that"
Archeon: we learnt how to do it with string
"and you wonder why you aren't taken seriously"
Archeon: tomorrow we learn how to send e-mail's with paper clips
"something's been bugging me"
Archeon: what?
"well, why don't you wear a helmet?"
Archeon: I do, its frameless and studded. I'm waiting till I can get my hands on a sea king chain one
"that doesn't make any sense, your basically saying your throwing away a good helmet in exchange for one that lowers your cold resistance on the basis that it looks cool?"
Archeon: umm... yeah, more or less
"I'd better macro your death msg"
Archeon: the system's against me
"no shit"
Archeon: you know what they say about the grass always being greener on the other side?
"yes..."
Archeon: well having spent a lot of time in emain with my face in the grass I'm starting to think that's true
"you're an idiot"
Archeon: I think they have better ph balance in their soil as well
"Archeon..."
Archeon: yeah?
"I've been your msg system for a while now, right"
Archeon: yeah
"and I've been good to you remember"
Archeon: yeah
"well can I have a raise?"
Archeon: I wasn't aware I paid you
"bugger, so much for double pay cheques"
Archeon: some people would think you take advantage of me
Archeon: shhh, be very quiet
"I'm a msg system, I can't be quiet I broadcast msg's"
"anyway, why do I need to be quiet?"
Archeon: I'm on a secret relic raid, very hush, hush. We're stealing back our power relic
"a relic raid?"
"Midgard relic force was wiped out by Albion's"
Archeon: damn it, I said be quiet
"pfft, like I listen to a word you say"
Archeon: its one of those days again
"yeah"
Archeon: Albion's are...
"...zerging"
Archeon: hib's are...
"...smoking weed"
Archeon: mid's are...
"...running into the Albion Zerg trying to steal the hibbi weed"
Archeon: we need a vacation
"totally"
Archeon: I'm stocked today!
"why?"
Archeon: mythic have changed the res-system. I not longer have to stand like a Muppet for 12secs to cast a res
"woo! I don't have to spend as much time describing you cast your res"
Archeon: it's a win-win situation
"except for the people that can't spec to get higher than the 2nd tier res"
Archeon: those are the classes that make good buff-bots
"I see your point"
Archeon: /who emain
"out to lunch"
Archeon: out to lunch? Out to lunch!?! This is a matter of life and death!!!
Archeon: on the bright side it gives me some time to myself, away from that nagging woman. Where are the keys to the bar?
"Archeon was killed"
Archeon: wtf?
"dear Archeon, hope you like my new answering machine it's pre-programmed to kill you each time you say a key word"
Archeon: key word?
"Archeon was killed"
Archeon: I hate technology
"Midgard forces were killed by Albion Zerg"
"...Archeon?"
"...hello?"
"...how rude he didn't even say goodbye"
Gama: where did that mend spec conformist bugger off too?
"don't ask me, I'm just his msg system"
Gama: oh well, want some pie?
"Gama was killed"
Gama: I'll take that as a no then...
Archeon: I don't get it
"what now?"
Archeon: I'd swear I left the keys to my horse here
"Archeon was killed"
"oh shit, I forgot to turn it off"
Archeon: typical... hold on I reseed that guy a few min's ago.
"buddy, can we get a res over here?"
Resser-man: what fuck off, what's he ever done for me?
Archeon: messed an entire Zerg and used my full health res on you while they purged
Resser-man: oh right, and so I'm suddenly your slave? Stfu!!
"Midgard is such a friendly realm"
Archeon: seeing as it was your screw-up that killed me can you restore my con for free.
"sigh, I guess"
"your constitution was restored"
Archeon: score! That's 230g I've saved
"Archeon was killed"
"Archeon was killed"
"Archeon was killed"
Archeon: was that necessary?
"not really, but I feel a whole lot better. Now fork over 50g punk!"
"I've been doing some calculations"
Archeon: you have? Why?
"it's the latest trend, you find something to calculate and you calculating it. It makes you feel smart"
Archeon: what did you calculate?
"life expectancy of a healer in emain"
Archeon: I could have told you take without calculating
"what is it then smart guy"
Archeon: as soon as he gets to the Midgard mile gate
"but did you add in lots of crap nobody can understand?"
Archeon: did you know that one out of five people are idiots
"do you really want me to comment on that?"
Archeon: probably not, ohh a penny"
"infiltrator misses"
Archeon: my mistake, it was a distraction bag
"the again, a fools luck can't be all bad"
Archeon: /who emain
"sorry Hun, I'm on strike
Archeon: you are? What's it about this time?
"my pay cheque has been made invalid for the third time this year"
Archeon: wow, I don't get it though. Where does all the money go?
"well you know that solid gold jag outside the goa office?"
Archeon: yeah
"well we think its been hidden in the skoda that parks next to it"
"do you know any good shadowblades?"
Archeon: not since the nerf, why?
"well, seeing as the moneys hidden we figure that a shadowblade could see it"
Archeon: what about camouflage?
"patch 1.58 has a 'see cameo' ability in it"
Archeon: wouldn't it be weird if there was a game about our lives
"pardon?"
Archeon: I mean like, it would have all the monsters we have in Midgard, and have Albion and herbaria. And we'd be at war as well
Archeon: and when you die you'd be penalized in some way, like losing strength
"...arch, that is possibly the deepest thing you've ever said"
Archeon: yeah, I think I've been eating too much grass in emain
Archeon: yeah, gimmi some love lady luck
"I don't know why you get your hopes up lotteries are so complicated even I can't follow them anymore"
Archeon: I can live in hope
"then explain why that warrior just got a runemaster only item"
Archeon: it's for his alt
"his level 5 alt?"
Archeon: ...urmm, yeah
"I rest my case"
Archeon: it's the annual Midgard singing contest!
"hurray"
Archeon: and this year I'm going to win
"...I hate to burst your bubble but your no skald"
Archeon: don't worry; I plan to get very drunk and then sing in the bathroom. I'll be unstoppable
"well I can't flaw the logic behind that"
Archeon: damn straight, now pass me my lemonade!
Archeon: bah, I hate lding
"tell me about it, nobody else talks to me"
Archeon: really?
"no, they just stick their hands in their ears and sing loudly"
Archeon: guess they aren't as open minded as I am
"or they possess an ounce of sanity, it's hard to tell"
Archeon: I'm in emain!
"so you are"
Archeon: I'm buffing myself
"don't forget to give out your spare buffs"
Archeon: I won't
"ok, all ready?"
Archeon: yeah! Lets farm rp!!"
"Archeon was killed by a nightshade"
"now what did we learn?"
Archeon: it's cheaper to by emain medals in bulk
"sigh, close enough"
Archeon: yawn, helping out in Malmo is sooo boring
"but it gives you a nice feeling"
Archeon: not really, and darkness falls cash is better
Xper: cheers for all the help Archeon
Archeon: don't worry about it
Xper: 11:30 - dt
"dt?"
Archeon: oh yeah, you joined me after I had gotten to 50 so you wouldn't know would you...
Archeon: basically dt (dragon time) is when gjapinula the dragon leaves her pile of smouldering shit and fly's around...
Archeon: since she's really, really, really powerful its safer to run up the hill
"Fair enough I..."
"I grow restless. Who has dared to enter my domain? I shall freeze their flesh and grind their bones to dust"
"...my chat...she used my chat...the damn bitch used my chat!!!"
Archeon: calm down
"I will not, Archeon buff up and kick her ass!!!"
Archeon: but I...
"just give me a reason"
Archeon: sigh, never mind
"I grow restless. Who has dared to enter my domain? I shall freeze their flesh and grind their bones to dust"
"we dare!"
Archeon: eek
"Vile Norseman, I shall..."
"Archeon attacks gjapinula with his hammer"
"ouch"
"excuse me"
Archeon: yes ma'am?
"you supposed to let me finish shouting first"
Archeon: I am?
"Don't worry Hun, it happens all the time"
"Archeon! Less talk, more whack"
"who was that?"
Archeon: my msg system, she's a little sore about you using her box when you fly about
"she should learn to fight her own battles instead of sending cute healers to do her job"
"that does it!!"
"gjapinula dies"
Archeon: gjapinula nooo!!!!
"oh just cause she called you cute"
Archeon: I guess it wouldn't have worked out anyway
"yeah"
Archeon: wanna go get some pie?
"sure"
*and so our hero's...*
"cough"
*sorry, our hero and heroine walk off into the sunset to find coffee...*
Archeon: pie
*let me finish, coffee and pie. Blissfully unaware that they were just fictional characters thought up to pass the time*
Archeon: mmm... good pie
"you said it"
Archeon: where's our coffee though? The narrator said we had coffee
"it'll probably be programmed in next patch"
Archeon: but I can't wait 4 months
"tough"
During the filming of the series there were a number of medical problems in particular Archeon's allergy to oxygen made filming in the earth's atmosphere tricky
"Archeon was killed"
Archeon: gag!
"Oh shit I think I actually killed him"
Director: call an ambulance!!
There were a series of troubles with the msg system, because she had a bad agent she never had a trailer. In fact I think the agent ran off with her share of the royalties and the coffee girl
Archeon: mmmm... good pie
"You said... ok I can't work like this, this pie sucks!!"
Archeon: I'll be in my trailer
"you have a trailer? Where's my agent!!"
The camera crew would frequently get Archeon drunk because it was quite literally the funniest thing to watch him take his shirt off and pretend to be a minstrel
Archeon: row, row, row you boat
"Row, row, row you boat"
Archeon: gently down the stream!
"gently down the stream
<Archeon vomits>
"haha! Archeon can't hold his lemonade!!"
Archeon: is that a Zerg?
"no... haha! It's the bloody stage crew"
Director: what the hell? Get off the set
Archeon: I'll be in my trailer
"I still want my agent!!"
During the filming the off-stage crew would frequently laugh for no apparent reason, especially at some of the worse jokes.
Archeon: wouldn't it be weird if our lives were in a game...
"what are you talking about, they are"
Off-stage guy #3: ahhahahahaaa!!
Archeon: groan
"you've got to admit, that was funny"
Archeon: so I said, that's not my pocket watch... that's my hammer!!
Off-stage guy #1,956: ahahahahaaa!!
"haha, that's a classic"
Archeon: its not called the worlds greatest joke for nothing
After careful consideration, the love scene was scrapped from the film. Instead the director inserted Archeon's near obsessive behaviour regarding the sexuality of Frodo and Sam from the lord of the rings
Archeon: I'm going to jump!!
"don't you have everything to live for!!"
<Archeon jumps>
"No Archeon, I love you!!...Hahahaaa!!"
Archeon: OUCH! who the hell took away my padding!!
Director: all in favour of leaving this scene out?
All: aye
"nay"
Director: we'll put it in the out-takes
Archeon found the Zerg charge scene very challenging often-taking dozens of takes to get it right
Archeon: here I go
<Archeon trips>
Archeon: fuck!
Archeon: here I go!
"achoo!"
Archeon: fuck!!
Archeon: here I go!!
Archeon:....
"...."
Director:....
Archeon: umm... line?
Archeon: here I go!!
<Runs into the Zerg>
"hurray, he got it. Opps"
Archeon: fuck!!!
Director: we'll edit it out
The msg system went through her period during part of the filming, this lead to a number of complications
"was that a shot?"
Archeon: well obviously
"oh, you all hate me"
<runs off crying>
Archeon: well that was different
"I've got a date tonight, what colour should I wear?"
Archeon: orange
"the orange makes me look fat though"
Archeon: ok... how about the green?
"the green makes me look ugly"
Archeon: naked?
"pervert, fiend, adulterer!!!"
Archeon: agghhhh!!!! Get her off, get her off!!!
Filming was often slowed by the msg's systems compulsive nature to document each and ever spell that was cast on the set. Eventually we trained her not too but this took quite a while
"Archeon, buff up and kick her ass!!"
"you cast lesser protection"
"You cast might of the Viking"
"you cast intensify health"
"you cast superior evasion"
"You cast lesser purity of offensive"
"you cast... oh screw this, go kill her!!"
Archeon: hahahaa!
"Sorry, I couldn't resist"
Near the end of the shooting Archeon and the msg system were asked to participate in an 'after the movie' thought piece, all went well until the final part...
Archeon: you know, I think we've all learned something about this. It's not what you do, or who you kill, it's making sure you have fun doing it
"Yeah, as long as you have fun it'll never get old"
Archeon: what do you mean, of course it'll get old
"I don't mean literally!"
Archeon: how was I supposed to know!?!
"You're supposed to be smart!!!"
Archeon: I'll be in my trailer
"where the hell is my agent!!!!!!!!!!"
Eventually the difference was settled after a number of custard pies were thrown
Director: now I know you've had creative differences but I want you to shake hands and make up
Archeon: nope
"never"
Director: will you do it for a Scooby snack?
Archeon: damn you to deepest hell sir
<Archeon eats the Scooby snack, various yummy noises follow>
"what! Like hell I'm going to eat a dog biscuit!"
Director: I'll double your pay
"Archeon and I have always been buddies"
However it seemed that msg systems sadistic nature could not be subdued even by the allure of double her pay
Archeon: I love you msg system
"I love you Archeon"
Archeon: lets never be apart again!
"never"
"Archeon was killed"
"haha! Sucker"
Archeon: Director, does msg system really have to slice my head off with a knife?
Director: sorry Archeon, it was the only way we could convince her to finish the movie
"This might sting a little"
<slicing sound>
Archeon: ouch!!
"urmm..."
Archeon: aww great, you went and got blood all over my Armani suit!
Director: can we get a doctor in here?
Archeon: forget the doctor get a tailor!!
On the very last day of filming the rivalry between Archeon and the msg system came to a head
Archeon: I have you know
"Back off darth-wannabe, I have eye-liner!"
"Director, its time to make a choice!"
Archeon: yeah, her or me?
Director: or I could just get your stunt doubles to do the work
Stunt doubles: yeah man, I'm like mend specced "oh shut up Archeon you piece of faecal matter"
Archeon:...
"..."
Director:...your both fired
Stunt doubles: bummer "what-ever!"
Archeon: right, this is the final straw
"make your move healer boy"
Archeon:...
"..."
Director: ohh, the last doughnut
It turned out that neither Archeon or msg system getting the last doughnut proved to be the spark that re-kindled their friendship
Archeon: you want a piece of this?
"yeah"
Archeon: ok, come get it then
"Thanks, I love cake"
Director: weren't you two fighting?
Archeon: we decided we hate you more for taking the last doughnut
"Yeah, hope you have a good accident claims lawyer"
After the movie Archeon and the msg system went on to co-host an early morning show and had several guest roles in a variety of sit-com's including:
Friends
Archeon: mmm... finally got my coffee
"yeah, who are those people?"
Rachel: oh no, I'm pregnant again!
Joey: hey guys, I just ate a whole elephant
Ross: I've been divorced 3 times, I'm so depressed
Phoebe: oh oh, Ross is going to kill himself
Chandler: way ta go Ross
"Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Chandler all die"
Archeon: thanks, I couldn't take much more
The Cosby Show
Bill: look kids it's your uncle Archeon and aunt msg system
Archeon: we aren't related
Bill: sure ya are, now their here to talk to you about the eco-system and.. And growing up, and popcorn
Archeon: actually we're just passing through the set on our way to the 'rocky 34' set
Rocky 34
Rocky: I'm the greatest, I'm the best
Archeon: your 204 years old, give it up
Rocky: never!
<Archeon knocks rocky (and his false teeth) out>
"Oh now you've done it Archeon"
Archeon what?
"Now he'll go off, train and come back strong enough to kick your ass"
Archeon: how do you know that?
"have you seen any of the rocky films?"
Star wars Episode III (3)
Yoda: it is the jedis code not to kill an un-armed man
Archeon: where's the fun in that?
Yoda: question not my wisdom
Archeon: why do you speak like that?
Yoda: the path to the dark side starts with feaaarrr
Archeon: yes, but why do you speak like that?
Yoda: question not my wisdom
Archeon: wait a sec; is this one of these dolls with a pull-string?
"damn it, how many more budget cuts are we going to get. And this hair is really screwing up my sense of balance"
The Matrix 2
Neo: I am the one
Trinity: He Is The One Because I Love Him
Archeon: Ohhkay...
Neo: the glass is half full
Archeon: actually the glass has been empty for 5 minutes; I got thirsty while you were talking about the pills
Neo: I know kung fu
"that's great, but while you were talking about reality we wired your enormous jacket with some explosives
Neo: trinity... help!
<neo blows up>
Archeon: dodge that
"sucker"
Archeon finally gave up the star-studded life of a b-list celebrity and settled down with a whore to start a family he could later abandon
The msg system went into the evil Hollywood agent industry, by only charging 9% instead of the tradition 10% she was able to sign huge names like Leonardo Decaprio then make sure their careers went down the toilet
"That punk shouldn't have stood me up"
She maintains her sadistic nature
The director of the mis-adventures of Archeon and his moody msg system was killed in a freak bucket accident, don't ask us how it got up there we have no idea.
Finally there's me, the narrator. I went into the big time until I was crushed by a small cement truck, now I just sit in my hospital bed all day speaking too myself, its quite depressing if only my wife would come to visit I'm sure I'd be ok, but then my wife is really ugly <sob> and my house is falling apart <sob> don't even ask about my children.
Disclaimer: no hamsters were killed during the filming of this film documentary, the out-takes or the mid-adventures of Archeon. We say this because hamsters were just about the only animal that wasn't hurt/killed/mutated/exposed to sickening levels of radiation or sold to bearded men for something the director liked to refer too as "animals and humans joining together for the good of inter-species breeding in front of perverted customers"
Archeon was killed several times, luckily after the first 3 the director decided it was better to have a medical crew on the set at all times, they seemed to have taken a 2 week cruise the day the director had his freak bucket accident (again, we have no idea why he had it up there)
In case you were wondering, Archeon was paid 34 million dollars to appear in the film, where as the msg system with her bad agent only got 2mil and she only saw 500 dollars of that because he agent ran away with the coffee girl, then later with the doughnut girl, then later still with the directors widow.